My head is in a constant spin these last few days and half the time I’m buzzing, because people have finally started buying my handmade jewellery and photography, which of course I’m extremely grateful for, but then I’m brought back down to Earth with an almighty bang that leaves me feeling, err… numb!
I was told back in April that a friend of mine was terminally ill and had about three months to live. Lung cancer! I was worried about going to see him in the hospital as I don’t know what to say and friends advised me to be as normal as I can. Well, I went to see him and he was tired, smiley and comforted that all his family was around him. Tony is a big family man. His family means the world to him and they’ve always come first.
I told myself after the hospital visit that he will get better and that it’s a mistake. Only last Halloween he was buzzing about organising a Halloween bash at the local pub and I designed the poster for the event. There was no sign at all that he was ill.
He came home from the hospital a few weeks later and my daughter is a regular visitor and she told me that last Sunday he was up and more like his usual self. I was very pleased as it looked like I was right all along.
Last Thursday, my daughter phones me to tell me that I have to visit Tony as he’s got worse. I spoke to his son about visiting and he told me that the funeral directors were visiting in the afternoon and I told him that I will ring tomorrow then for the best time to visit.
I can’t tell you how much this has gutted me. It’s finally confirmed that it is going to happen and that I’ve been stupid for avoiding what’s coming. I did go and see him yesterday and at one point I could feel the tears start to well, but I fought them back and gave myself a headache, just like I’m doing now. He’s been unconscious since Tuesday.
The Tony I remember absolutely lived for life and his family. He’s a joker, licking people’s ears and enthusiastic about his music and computing. Honestly, he was the life and soul of any party, always fun to be around. I have lots of good memories about Tony.
Why am I publishing my thoughts and feelings for the world you might ask?
I’m numb and well, I hate to say it, I guess I’m waiting for the inevitable.